#!/usr/bin/perl -w

use strict;
use vars qw(@quotes $load_quotes $load_sighead $home $sighead @signature %opt);
use POSIX;
use Sys::Syslog;
use Getopt::Std;
use FileHandle;

$0 = "signature.pl";

sub perish ($) {
    my ($reason) = @_;
    if ($opt{d}) {
	syslog 'warning', $reason;
	warn $0 . ': ' . $reason . "\n" if $opt{n};
	exit 1;
    } else {
	die $0 . ': ' . $reason . "\n";
    }
}

sub notify ($) {
    my ($matter) = @_;
    if ($opt{d}) {
	syslog 'notice', $matter;
	warn $0 . ': ' . $matter . "\n" if $opt{n}
    } else {
	warn $0 . ': ' . $matter . "\n";
    }
}

sub inform ($) {
    &notify(@_) if $opt{v};
}

sub version () {
    print <<'EOM';
signature, v0.0, Copyright (C) 2001 Sebastian Marius Kirsch
<skirsch@moebius.inka.de>, all rights reserved.

Permission is hereby granted, free of charge, to any person obtaining a
copy of this software and associated documentation files (the
"Software"), to deal in the Software without restriction, including
without limitation the rights to use, copy, modify, merge, publish,
distribute, sublicense, and/or sell copies of the Software, and to
permit persons to whom the Software is furnished to do so, subject to
the following conditions:

The above copyright notice and this permission notice shall be included
in all copies or substantial portions of the Software.

THE SOFTWARE IS PROVIDED "AS IS", WITHOUT WARRANTY OF ANY KIND, EXPRESS
OR IMPLIED, INCLUDING BUT NOT LIMITED TO THE WARRANTIES OF
MERCHANTABILITY, FITNESS FOR A PARTICULAR PURPOSE AND
NONINFRINGEMENT. IN NO EVENT SHALL THE XFREE86 PROJECT BE LIABLE FOR ANY
CLAIM, DAMAGES OR OTHER LIABILITY, WHETHER IN AN ACTION OF CONTRACT,
TORT OR OTHERWISE, ARISING FROM, OUT OF OR IN CONNECTION WITH THE
SOFTWARE OR THE USE OR OTHER DEALINGS IN THE SOFTWARE.
EOM

    exit;
}

sub start_daemon () {
    my $signature = $home . '/.signature';
    chomp(my $hostname = `hostname`);
    my $pidfile = $home . '/.signature-' . $hostname;

    my $cleanup = sub {
        close PIDFILE;
	unlink $pidfile or &notify("problems removing $pidfile: $!");
	unlink $signature or &notify("problems removing signature: $!");
	my $SIGNATURE = new FileHandle($signature, 'w') or &perish("could not write signature: $!");
	print $SIGNATURE @signature;
	undef $SIGNATURE;
	closelog;
	exit 0;
    };

    openlog 'signature', 'pid', 'user';

    
    fork() && exit unless $opt{n};
    
    while (!sysopen(PIDFILE, $pidfile, O_CREAT|O_WRONLY|O_EXCL)) {
	my $PIDFILE = new FileHandle($pidfile, 'r') or &perish("could not open $pidfile for reading"); 
	chomp(my $pid = <$PIDFILE>);
	if ($pid > 0) {
	    if (kill 0, $pid) {
		exit;
	    } else {
		&notify("stale lock file from process $pid");
		undef $PIDFILE;
		unlink $pidfile;
	    }
	}
    }
    autoflush PIDFILE;
    print PIDFILE "$$\n";
    
    unless (-p $signature) {
	unlink $signature or &notify("cannot remove $signature: $!") if (-f $signature);
	mkfifo $signature, oct 666 or &perish("cannot make FIFO $signature: $!");
    }
	
    $SIG{HUP} = \&load_quotes;
    $SIG{TERM} = $cleanup;
    $SIG{INT} = $cleanup;
    
    while (1) {
	open SIGNATURE, '> ' . $signature or &perish("cannot open FIFO $signature: $!");
	print SIGNATURE @signature;
	print SIGNATURE &get_cookie();
	close SIGNATURE;
	select(undef, undef, undef, 0.1);
    }
}


sub load_quotes () {
    &inform("reloading cookies");
    if (defined @quotes) { seek DATA, $quotes[0], 0; }
    @quotes = (tell DATA);
    
    while (<DATA>) {
	if (/^%$/) { push @quotes, tell DATA; }
    }
    
    push @quotes, tell DATA; 
    return $load_quotes = (stat DATA)[9];
}

sub load_sighead () {
    &inform("reloading signature head");
    if (my $SIGHEAD = new FileHandle($sighead, 'r')) {
	@signature = <$SIGHEAD>;
	undef $SIGHEAD;
    } else {
	notify "could not open $sighead: $!";
    }
    return $load_sighead = (stat $sighead)[9];
}
	
sub get_cookie () {
    if (-f $sighead) { ($load_sighead < (stat $sighead)[9]) && &load_sighead; }
    ($load_quotes < (stat DATA)[9]) && &load_quotes;
    my $quote;
    my $pos = rand $#quotes;
    seek DATA, $quotes[$pos], 0;
    read DATA, $quote, $quotes[$pos + 1] - $quotes[$pos] - 2;
    return $quote
}

$home = (getpwuid($<))[7]; 
$sighead = $home . '/.sighead';

&load_quotes; &load_sighead;

srand(time() ^ ($$ + ($$ << 15)));

getopts('dvVn', \%opt);

$opt{V} && &version;

if ($opt{d}) { start_daemon(); } else {
    if (exists $ENV{GATEWAY_INTERFACE}) {
	print STDOUT "Content-type: text/plain\n\n";
    } else {
	print STDOUT @signature;
    }

    print STDOUT get_cookie();
    close STDOUT;
    exit;
}    

__DATA__
TMTOWTDI: There's More Than One Way To Do It.
%
MCSE: Minesweeper Consultant and Solitaire Expert
%
TANSTAAFL: There ain't no such thing as a free lunch.
%
WORN: Write Once, Read Never.
%
PLOKTA: Press Lots Of Keys To Abort
%
PEBKAC: Problem Exists Between Keyboard And Chair
%
101 Reasons Why You Can't Find Your System Administrator: 
 * He's hiding under the stairs.
%
101 Reasons Why You Can't Find Your System Administrator: 
 * He's on holiday for the first time in 5 years.
%
101 Reasons Why You Can't Find Your System Administrator: 
 * He's in hospital suffering from an overdose of caffeine.
%
101 Reasons Why You Can't Find Your System Administrator: 
 * "You *have* a system administrator?"
%
101 Reasons Why You Can't Find Your System Administrator: 
 * You just walked past the table he's gibbering under.
%
101 Reasons Why You Can't Find Your System Administrator: 
 * The admin has built a maze with the door to his office at the center.
%
101 Reasons Why You Can't Find Your System Administrator: 
 * You *are* the system administrator.
%
101 Reasons Why You Can't Find Your System Administrator: 
 * You missed seeing the system administrator asleep under his desk.
%
101 Reasons Why You Can't Find Your System Administrator: 
 * He is having to explain to the management why he needs an asistant.
%
101 Reasons Why You Can't Find Your System Administrator: 
 * The admin came to work disguised as a tea boy to avoid talking to users.
%
101 Reasons Why You Can't Find Your System Administrator: 
 * He's stuck in a lift shaft pulling network cable to another floor.
%
101 Reasons Why You Can't Find Your System Administrator: 
 * He's getting Jolt out of his under-floor cache.
%
101 Reasons Why You Can't Find Your System Administrator: 
 *  He's looking up the BOFH excuse of the day.
%
101 Reasons Why You Can't Find Your System Administrator: 
 *  He's busy installing xfishtank on the main fileserver.
%
101 Reasons Why You Can't Find Your System Administrator: 
 *  He's out buying refills for the Nerf(TM) crossbow.
%
101 Reasons Why You Can't Find Your System Administrator: 
 *  He's locked in the computer room playing Deathmatch.
%
101 Reasons Why You Can't Find Your System Administrator: 
 * He's catching twenty winks under the floorboards, tread gingerly.
%
101 Reasons Why You Can't Find Your System Administrator: 
 * He's standing behind you, holding an axe.
%
101 Reasons Why You Can't Find Your System Administrator: 
 * He's in a meeting with the boss to discuss poor user response times.
%
101 Reasons Why You Can't Find Your System Administrator: 
 * He's gone to find some more coffee. Sysadmin has left the building! 
%
101 Reasons Why You Can't Find Your System Administrator: 
 * He's out looking for an ad in any media where DEC mentions OpenVMS.
%
101 Reasons Why You Can't Find Your System Administrator: 
 * /pub/lunch
%
101 Reasons Why You Can't Find Your System Administrator: 
 * It's 9 AM. He's not working that late.
%
101 Reasons Why You Can't Find Your System Administrator: 
 * Hiding in wiring closet.
%
101 Reasons Why You Can't Find Your System Administrator: 
 * On the roof of the building, contemplating jumping.
%
101 Reasons Why You Can't Find Your System Administrator: 
 * On the roof of the building, contemplating which users to throw off.
%
101 Reasons Why You Can't Find Your System Administrator: 
 * On the roof of the building, contemplating traffic.
%
101 Reasons Why You Can't Find Your System Administrator: 
 * On the roof of the building, contemplating.
%
101 Reasons Why You Can't Find Your System Administrator: 
 * What was your username again?
%
101 Reasons Why You Can't Find Your System Administrator: 
 * Emptying the bit buckets.
%
After dark, all cats are leopards.             -- Native American Proverb
%
We cannot, without becoming cats, perfectly understand the cat mind.
                                                     -- St. George Mivart
%
In a cat's eye, all things belong to cats.             -- English proverb
%
As every cat owner knows, nobody owns a cat.      -- Ellen Perry Berkeley
%
One cat just leads to another.                        -- Ernest Hemingway
%
Cats are rather delicate creatures and they are subject to a good many
ailments, but I never heard of one who suffered from insomnia.
%
I have studied many philosophers and many cats. The wisdom of cats is
infinitely superior.                                   -- Hippolyte Taine
%
There are two means of refuge from the miseries of life: music and
cats.                                                -- Albert Schweitzer
%
The cat has too much spirit to have no heart.            -- Ernest Menaul
%
Dogs believe they are human. Cats believe they are God.
%
Time spent with cats is never wasted.                          -- Colette
%
You will always be lucky if you know how to make friends with strange
cats.                                         --Colonial American proverb
%
Cats seem to go on the principle that it never does any harm to ask for
what you want.                                      -- Joseph Wood Krutch
%
Schroedinger's Cat Games #23: Ha! Made you look!
%
You own a dog, but you can only feed a cat.
%
Hunde haben ein Herrchen oder Frauchen -- Katzen ihr Personal.
%
On the internet, nobody knows you're a dog. Or a cat. Meow!
%
I eat, I sleep, I play. I'm a cat. It's my job.              -- Garfield
%
You'd never get a cat to be a servant. You ever see a cat return a stick?
"Hey, man! You threw the stick, you go get it, yourself! I'm busy!"
%
There's a wise old Cat saying which I think applies in this situation.
It goes: "What are you talking about, dog-breath?"
%
Hey, hey! Woah, woah, woah, I do not do the "W" word. Cats do NOT work!
%
I'm a cat: I need some naps. If I don't nap nine or ten times a day, I
don't have enough energy for my main snooze.
%
There's on old Cat proverb: "It's better to live one hour as a tiger,
than a whole lifetime as a worm."
%
Cats are smarter than dogs. You could never make eight cats pull a sled
through deep snow.
%
Anyone who considers protocol unimportant has never dealt with a cat.
%
Cats are intended to teach us that not everything in nature has a
function.
%
Everyone *knows* cats are on a higher level of existence.  These silly
humans are just to big-headed to admit their inferiority.
%
The difference between dogs and cats is that dogs come when they're
called. Cats take a message and get back to you.
%
There are many intelligent species in the universe, and 
they all own cats.
%
To err is human, to purr feline.
%
Never try to outstubborn a cat.
%
If you feed a dog, they will look at you and think, "You are my God!"
If you feed a cat, they will look at you and think, "I am a god."
%
A cat *knows* what you want.
It doesn't *care*, but it *knows*. 
%
Most of life's problems can be solved by curling up and sleeping in a
sunbeam.
%
The cat could very well be man's best friend, but would never stoop to
admitting it.
%
On the eighth day God created cats and was promptly ignored.
%
Catproof is an oxymoron, childproof nearly so.
%
=^-.-^=
%
Do not meddle in the affairs of cats, for they are subtle and will piss
on your computer.
%
Thousands of years ago, cats were worshipped as gods. Cats have never
forgotten this.
%
If man could be crossed with the cat, it would improve man but
deteriorate the cat.                                        -- Mark Twain
%
Hier ist der Anschluß der Deutschen Telepathischen Gesellschaft. Wir
wissen, wer Sie sind und was Sie wollen. Bitte legen Sie auf.
%
*** Dieses Schreiben wurde mit Hilfe einer Datenverarbeitungsanlage ***
*** erstellt und bedarf keiner Unterschrift.                        ***
%
Die Summe der Intelligenz auf diesem Planeten ist konstant -- die
Bevölkerung wächst.
%
Um ein tadelloses Mitglied einer Schafherde sein zu können, muß man vor
allem ein Schaf sein.                                 -- Albert Einstein
%
Könnte bitte jemand das Universum anhalten? Ich würde gerne aussteigen.
%
Ich könnte auch sagen, daß Du nicht dazulernen wirst, wenn Du
Erfahrungen aus dem Weg gehst, aber das würde oberlehrerhaft klingen.
%
Es *gibt* intelligentes Leben auf der Erde, aber ich bin nur zu Besuch
hier.
%
Eins nach dem anderen, aber nicht unbedingt in dieser Reihenfolge.
%
Wer lesen kann, ist klar im Vorteil.
%
Ikeabana, die Kunst des Möbelsteckens.
%
Oregano, die Kunst des Pizzafaltens.
%
Der Urknall ist kein ruhestörender Lärm.
%
How can I tell that the past isn't a fiction designed to account for the
discrepancy between my immediate physical sensations and my state of mind?
%
So long, and thanks for all the fish!
%
It's just like Life: Quite good in parts, but no substitute for the real
thing.
%
Parents of young organic life forms are warned that towels can be
harmful if swallowed in large quantities.
%
Please do not press this button again. 
%
Man and machine share in the stimulating exchange of <aargh!>
%
It merely pleases me to behave in a certain way to what appears to be a
cat.
%
Life. Don't talk to me about life.
%
How should I know? It's your universe.
%
Right now I need aphorisms like I need holes in my skulls.
%
That's not the point! All right, maybe it is the point. I don't care,
I'm not going to think about it now.
%
You're failing to take into account something fairly basic in the
relationship between men and robots. 
%
Freeeoooow!
%
Life, loathe it or ignore it, you can't like it.
%
All the time you're saying to yourself, "I could do that, but I won't"
-- which is just another way of saying that you can't.
%
You have no responsibility to live up to what other people think you
ought to accomplish.
%
GCS d- s-: a-- C++@ UBLIS++++$ P+++ L+++ E W++ N++ w-- o K O? M--
V PS+ PE- Y+ PGP t 5? X- R- !tv b+++ DI+ D+ G(--) e>++++ h-(++) !r y?
%
A is for AMY who fell down the stairs
B is for BASIL assaulted by bears
%
C is for CLARA who wasted away
D is for DESMOND thrown out of a sleigh
%
E is for ERNEST who choked on a peach
F is for FANNY sucked dry by a leech
%
G is for GEORGE smothered under a rug
H is for HECTOR done in by a thug
%
I is for IDA who drowned in a lake
J is for JAMES who took lye by mistake
%
K is for KATE who was struck with an axe
L is for LEO who swallowed some tacks
%
M is for MAUD who was swept out to sea
N is for NEVILLE who died of ennui
%
O is for OLIVE run through with an awl
P is for PRUE trampled flat in a brawl
%
Q is for QUENTIN who sank in a mire
R is for RHODA consumed by a fire
%
S is for SUSAN who perished of fits
T is for TITUS who flew into bits
%
U is for UMA who slipped down a drain
V is for VICTOR squashed under a train
%
W is for WINNIE embedded in ice
X is for XERXES devoured by mice
%
Y is for YORICK whose head was knocked in
Z is for ZILLAH who drank too much gin
%
S'il existait des billets de zero Francs, j'en donnerais a` ceux a` qui
je ne dois rien.                           -- Philippe Geluck, "Le Chat" 
%
Il parai^t q'au Japon, un chef dirigise son orchestre avec un couteau et
une fourchette.                            -- Philippe Geluck, "Le Chat"  
%
Quand un skieur juif rencontre un autre skieur juif, il lui dit:
"Slalom!"                                  -- Philippe Geluck, "Le Chat" 
%
Le type qui a invente' le premier te'le'phone a du^ e^tre vachement
ennuye' de n'avoir personne a` appeler.    -- Philippe Geluck, "Le Chat"
%
Le mot "long" et plus court que le mot "court". C'est dingue, non?
                                           -- Philippe Geluck, "Le Chat"
%
Le type qui a invente' l'e'criture, il a invente la lecture tout de
suite apre`s.                              -- Philippe Geluck, "Le Chat"
%
Quand je serau tre`s riche, je payerai quelqu'un pour faire mon jogging
a` ma place.                               -- Philippe Geluck, "Le Chat"
%
Je n'aime pas beaucoup qu'on partage mon opinion. J'ai l'impression de
n'avoir plus qu'une semi-opinion.          -- Philippe Geluck, "Le Chat"
%
Chaque anne'e en France le tabac tue 60.000 personnes. C,a fait pile un
Hiroshima tous les 16 mois.                -- Philippe Geluck, "Le Chat"
%
Le pizza-fax, c,a marche aussi avec les cre^pes et le jambon en tranches.
Pour tout le reste, il faut un modem.      -- Philippe Geluck, "Le Chat"
%
Un e'tude de'montre que le G.S.M. peut e^tre dangereux pour le cerveau
... quand on a un imbe'cile en ligne.      -- Philippe Geluck, "Le Chat"
%
The reason that every major university maintains a department of
mathematics is that it's cheaper than institutionalizing all those people.
%
A mathematician is a device for turning coffee into theorems.
%
As far as the laws of mathematics refer to reality, they are not
certain, and as far as they are certain, they do not refer to reality.
%
Mathematics deals exclusively with the relations of concepts
to each other without consideration of their relation to experience.
%
Mathematics is the only science where one never knows what 
one is talking about nor whether what is said is true.
%
Black holes are where God divided by zero.
%
[End of diatribe. We now return you to your regularly scheduled
programming...]
%
There is, however, a strange, musty smell in the air that reminds me of
something...hmm...yes...I've got it...there's a VMS nearby, or I'm a Blit.
%
I have the feeling something is not exactly right, however...don't tell me...
lemme think...does HAL ring a bell?...no, of course, you're only running OS/2!
%
Whipuptitude.
%
Manipulexity.
%
A camel is a horse designed by a committee.
Perl is a camel designed by a committee.
%
Real programmers don't write specs -- Users should consider themselves
lucky to get any programs at all and take what they get.
%
Real programmers don't comment their code. If it was hard to write, it
should be hard to read.
%
Real programmers don't eat quiche. They eat twinkies, and szechevan
food.
%
Real programmers don't write in Fortran. Fortran is for pipe stress
freaks and crystallography weenies.
%
Real programmers never work 9 to 5. If any real programmers are around
at 9 am, it's because they were up all night.
%
Real programmers don't write in BASIC. Actually, no programmers write in
BASIC, after the age of 12.
%
Real programmers don't document. Documentation is for simps who can't
read the listings or the object deck.
%
Real programmers know better than the users what they need.
%
Real programmers think structured programming is a communist plot.
%
Real programmers don't use schedules. Schedules are for manager's
toadies. Real programmers like to keep their manager in suspense.
%
Real programmers think better when playing adventure.
%
Real Programmers aren't afraid to use GOTO's.
%
Real Programmers can write five-page-long DO loops without getting
confused.
%
Real Programmers like Arithmetic IF statements -- they make the code
more interesting.
%
Real Programmers write self-modifying code, especially if they can save
20 nanoseconds in the middle of a tight loop.
%
Real Programmers don't need comments -- the code is obvious.
%
Hardware has limitations, software doesn't. It's a real shame that Turing
machines are so poor at I/O.
%
Life is a shit sandwich, and every day you get to take another bite.
It's just that some days are TWO BITE days ...
%
Life is like a shit sandwich.  The more bread you have, the less shit
you have to eat.
%
You can find sympathy, in the dictionary, right near shit and suicide.
%
Life's a bitch, then you die.
%
$ ln -sf /dev/null ~/.netscape/cookies
%
# ln -sf /dev/audio /var/spool/mail/root
%
Newsgroups we've all been waiting for #4827:
microsoft.public.windowsnt.setup.installation.reboot.reboot.reboot
%
You can fool some people sometimes, 
but you can't fool all the people all the time.           -- Bob Marley
%
If you always postpone pleasure you will never have it. 
Quit work and play for once! 
%
alias lose='vmware ~/vmware/win98/win98.cfg'
%
Q: What animal would you be if you could be an animal?
A: You already are an animal.
%
There's one thing computing teaches you, and that's that there's no point
to remembering everything. Being able to find things is what's important. 
%
The bitterness of poor quality remains 
long after the sweetness of low price is forgotten.
%
You know you've been hacking too long when you want to compile busy
traffic so that it will run faster.
%
You know you've been hacking too long when you count things with your
fingers in binary.
%
You know you've been hacking too long when you reach for the mouse to
cut-and-paste some code from a sheet of paper into the editor. 
%
You know you've been hacking too long when you want to cut-and-paste a
phone number from your editor to the phone. 
%
You know you've been hacking too long when you end your sentences with
semicolons instead of full stops.
%
You know you've been hacking too long when you realize you've never seen
half of your best friends.
%
You know you've been hacking too long when you pick up a pencil and
wonder whether it supports ISO-8859-1. 
%
(null signature; hope that's ok)
%
Please ignore previous signature.
%
This signature intentionally left blank.
%
Hi! I'm a signature virus! Copy me into ~/.signature and help me spread!
%
Beware of bugs in the above code; I have only proved it correct, not
tried it.                                             -- Donald E. Knuth
%
It's your privilege as an artist to inflict the pain of creativity on your-
self. We can teach you how we paint, but we can't teach you how you paint.
%
When you do need then, they just sorta do what you expect.
Always presuming you expect the right thing, of course.
%
You can lead people to the truth, but you can't make them understand it.
%
I never wanted to be a painter. I wanted to be a tap dancer.
                                                          -- Andy Warhol
%
`Do you think pop art is ...' `No.' `What?' `No.' `Do you think pop art
is ...' `No ... No I don't.'                              -- Andy Warhol 
%
\date \everyjob\protect \lower\body \leavevmode 
\insert\active\fill \eject \relax \bye
%
unzip; strip; touch; finger; mount; fsck; more; yes; umount; sleep
%
Unix *is* user-friendly -- it's just discriminating about who its
friends are.
%
Could someone please stop the universe? I'd like to get off.
%
Do not meddle in the affairs of dragons, for you are crunchy and taste
good with ketchup.
%
Do not meddle in the affairs of wizards, for they are subtle and quick
to anger. 
%
War is Peace. Freedom is Slavery. Ketchup is a Vegetable.
%
I used to be schizophrenic, but we're better now.
%
Ha, ha, very funny, Scotty. Now beam my clothes down!
%
Free your mind and your arse will follow.
%
You can't second-guess ineffability.
%
The Three R's of Microsoft Support: Retry, Reboot, Reinstall.
%
This statement is self-contradictory ... no actually it isn't.
%
Any product with the words "Smart" or "Intelli" in its name isn't.
%
This sentence no verb.
%
The following sentence is true.
The preceding sentence is false.
%
The following sentence is false.
The preceding sentence is true. 
%
First things first, but not necessarily in that order.
%
Why can't hackers tell Halloween and Christmas Day apart?
Because 31 Oct == 25 Dec.
%
You know you've been spending too much time on your signature collection
when your signatures draw more replies than your actual postings.
%
Just because you're paranoid doesn't mean they *aren't* after you.
%
What use is wizardry if it cannot save a unicorn?
%
If it's worth doing, do it with Unix. If you can't do it with Unix, it
isn't worth doing.
%
Broadcast message from god (tty0) ...
The universe is going DOWN to maintenance mode in 2 minutes !!
%
You want it in one line? Does it have to fit in 80 columns?
%
Computers are not intelligent. They only think they are.
%
Every use of Linux is a proper use of Linux.       -- John "maddog" Hall
%
And with a *plonk* it lands on Usenet. What is it? Oh my God, it's a new
user! Quick, kill it before it multiplies!
%
You are false data.
%
%SYSTEM-F-TOOEARLY, please contact your sysadmin at a sensible time.
%
Any sufficiently advanced bug is indistinguishable from a feature.
%
Any sufficiently advanced technology is indistinguishable from magic.
%
Behind every great computer sits a skinny little geek.
%
The whole problem with the world is that fools and fanatics are always
so certain of themselves, and wiser people so full of doubts.
%
Samuel Beckett once said: "Every word is like an uncessary stain on 
silence and nothingness." On the other hand, he said it.
%
Mathematicians are like Frenchmen: whatever you say to them they translate 
into their own language and forthwith it is something entirely different.
%
Shift to the left! Shift to the right! Pop up, push down! Byte! Byte! Byte!
%
Of course it runs NetBSD.
%
100 buckets of bits on the bus, 100 buckets of bits. 
You take one down and short it to ground. FF buckets of bits on the bus. 
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etaoin shrdlu
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TOP 10 SIGNS YOU'RE A VAX GEEK: 9. You make reference to compilation
times in weeks and days instead of minutes and seconds.
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TOP 10 SIGNS YOU'RE A VAX GEEK: 8. You stopped purchasing new furniture
when you realized that your computers work just as well. 
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TOP 10 SIGNS YOU'RE A VAX GEEK: 7. Your electricity bill is more than
your monthly rent payment.
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TOP 10 SIGNS YOU'RE A VAX GEEK: 6. You've been hospitalized with muscle
strain injuries after performing some routine hardware maintenance.
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TOP 10 SIGNS YOU'RE A VAX GEEK: 5. You don't have an SO, but it's okay
because your computer keeps you warm at night.
%
TOP 10 SIGNS YOU'RE A VAX GEEK: 4. While doing laundry, you occassionaly
have a mental lapse and try to wash your socks and underwear in your 11/750.
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TOP 10 SIGNS YOU'RE A VAX GEEK: 3. Friends who visit you want to know
why there are old-time movie reels stuck on your refridgerator(s).
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TOP 10 SIGNS YOU'RE A VAX GEEK: 2. Your house is pleasantly warm in the
dead of winter, even with the air conditioning turned all the way up. 
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TOP 10 SIGNS YOU'RE A VAX GEEK: 1. The lights in your home dim or
flicker when you reboot. 
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TOP 10 SIGNS YOU'RE A VAX GEEK: 0. It doesn't matter if someone else's
computer is faster because your system could smash theirs flat.
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If I can move it with six friends and a truck with a hydraulic lift,
it's not huge.                                           -- Dave McGuire
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VMS has two commands, HELP and SET.  Everything else is a command-line
parameter.
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"HUIB" is how VAX sysadmins spell "boot".
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Life is something that happens to other people.
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If reality wants to reach me, it knows where I am.
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The 8th and 9th layer of the OSI model: budget and politics.
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Remember: Even if you win the rat race, you're still a rat.
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First we had the legs race. Then we had the arms race. Now we're going to have
the brain race. And if we're lucky, the next stage will be the human race.
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Multiple exclamation marks are a sure sign of the diseased mind.
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If reality catches you napping, play dead.
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The steady state of disks is full.
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Data expands to fill all available disk space.
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Run as fast as you can -- you might slow down enough to actually notice
where you are.
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You can't judge the man by looking at the monkey.
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%SHOW-S-NOTRAN, no translation for logical name WEEKEND
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Katzen sind nicht faul. Sie sind praktisch und effizient.
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Katzen sind nicht leicht abzulenken. Sie sind flexibel und allem Neuen
gegenueber aufgeschlossen.
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Engineering does not require science. Science helps a lot but people built 
perfectly good brick walls long before they knew why cement works.
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If you need someone to blame, throw a log in the air. You'll hit someone 
guilty.
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We are dyslexic of Borg. Your ass will be laminated.
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Give a man fire, and he will be warm for the rest of the day.
Set him on fire, and he will be warm for the rest of his life.
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All systems up and running.
All pigs fed and ready to fly.
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Free software is like sex. 
It's better when Richard M. Stallmann is not involved.
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Law of Requisite Variety: The available control variety must be equal to
or greater than the disturbance variety for control to be possible.
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Meine Meinung steht fest. Bitte verwirren Sie mich nicht mit Tatsachen.
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